Hawaiian Flight 364

Family Travel

4:30 am

I use restroom.

Toddler uses diaper.

Dog uses neighbor’s front yard.

Cats use my pillow to lick their junk.

Sleepy daughters watch cats use my pillow to lick their junk.

Husband asks how many people’s butts does he have to wipe in one morning?

The answer is six butts, including his own.


It’s our ten-year wedding anniversary!

That is unimportant right now.


Soon we will be swooping, and whooshing,

fluttering, and floating in flight!


Flight 364 departs.

Daughters stare at iPad.

Window shades up.

Window shades down.

Toddler crinkles a plastic cup.


I’m up in the air; the wind in my hair!


Toddler makes echo sounds into plastic cup.

Plastic cup is hurtled at unknown bald man.

I apologize to bald man.

Toddler screams.

Cup reappears.

Husband blocks other attempted cup tossed in mid-air.

Husband and I high-five.


I’m leaping. I’m bouncing.

I’m high in the sky.


Smells like poop. False alarm.

Curiously, a small man exits bathroom.

Real poop.

Change yelping toddler on toilet seat top.

Discover loose stool, running up his back.

Baby touches side of toilet seat and fingers a pubic hair.

I yell.


Purell everything including eyeballs.


Window shades up.

Window shade down.


I am sailing and soaring, and learning to fly! I’m flittering, fluttering, floating in flight.


Give bottle of milk.

Empty bottle of milk is tossed towards a young, playful woman.

Bald man kills us with his glare.


Magazine pages torn. Magazine pages tasted.

My hair gets brushed. My hair gets pulled.

Toddler uses cell phone to call Pa-Pou.

Toddler is furious Pa-Pou doesn’t answer.

Seat belt fascinates.

I think toddler is a cross-breed between poodle and Velociraptor.  A Velo-doodle.


Toddler tries to escape. No luck.

Older sister comes to play.

Toddler is ecstatic. I am ecstatic. Passengers on plane are ecstatic.


Sister bores and returns to her seat. Baby screams for her.


I give harmonica to baby. Husband is astonished. Harmonica might be most obnoxious toy on plane.


Toddler puts my shoe in his mouth. I am astonished. Might be grossest object on plane.


Toddler spills yogurt drink across husband’s lap.

Husband stands to wipe wet lap.

This displeases toddler. He wants to wipe lap.


I’m dashing. I’m diving…

Toddler expressed interest in my husband’s headphones.

He listens to Sylvan Esso.

He closes his eyes.

I close my eyes.

My husband closes his eyes.


45-minutes of b-l-i-s-s.


Toddler coughs.

He wakes.


Four hours left on Hawaiian flight 364.


I’m toppling. I’m tumbling. I’m falling.  I crashed.

And, whoopsie, my parent’s mattress is trashed.


Inspired by and adopted from the poem: “Learning to Fly” by Kenn Nesbitt from the book, The Biggest Burp Ever.


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